Sister, Please!

TruGreen Guy! Who asked you?

sisterplease — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 01:23:55 +0000

Dear TruGreen service provider. I appreciate your enthusiasm for providing greener lawns, but I don’t like answering my door thinking it’s my child and finding you standing there waiting to tell me how bad my front lawn looks. In case you haven’t noticed it rains a lot here. My front lawn is the size of a postage stamp and has a downward slope that stops abruptly at street level where water pools 9 months a year. Every year around Aprilish we make an effort to once again regain some semblance of beauty that gets lost during the fall/winter season. We add dirt, reseed and do the best we can. I’d be happy to work more in my yard if you could entertain and transport my 3 children, cook 7 days a week, clean my entire house (including those yucky toilets), organize the family budget, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, organize family outings during mid-winter and spring break,help with homework, perform weekly shopping trips, feed/bathe/groom the family dog, do 3-4 loads of laundry a day etc.

Until then…stay off my lawn!!

Secret Christmas Message

sisterplease — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 06:31:01 +0000

Well, if you’ve found this post, then you most likely have a “smart phone”.

Click on the link below to watch the video on YouTube

Driver Training with My Teenager

sisterplease — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 05:28:21 +0000

total ECLIPSE of the heart

sisterplease — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 04:02:25 +0000

I haven’t read the books. I haven’t seen the first movie. I was in awe of the 2nd movie and what it did to teenage girls everywhere. I even shouted “take off your shirt” during the 2nd movie. I just saw the third movie and wasn’t surrounded by 100′s of girls gasping at the very site of a bedazzled, pale, Elvis side burn adorned male vampire. So for me, the 3rd movie fell short of what I had expected. What did not disappoint were the abs of one werewolf type adolescent. Once again he paraded around in the film sans shirt, much to the dismay of the bedazzled one. Edward actually exclaimed in the movie “doesn’t this guy own a shirt?” I admit it. That line made me giggle. The dramatic facial expressions, the pale makeup and amber eyes, the crazy red head and sheer cheesiness of the film are what have made it a hit for teens everywhere. What teenage girl wouldn’t love two men fighting over them at all times? My favorite scene is when Bella was trying to seduce Edward and convince him that it was time for them to “become one”. Edward said, “No. Not until we are married.” I failed to resist the temptation to holler out “YEAH! Team Edward!!!” It’s not often in a movie made for teens that you find the characters abstaining from this activity. I found it refreshing. Granted, they still drive their Volvos to the woods to hunt down animals and drink their blood. Overall, I would say the movies have been entertaining and I do see the allure, but I’m still not BITTEN.

Pincushion Diva

sisterplease — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 19:18:03 +0000

Drastic times call for drastic measures. Allergy season is upon us and it is kickin’ my rear! I’ve already been on antibiotics twice this year for double ear and sinus infections and I am at my wits end. I wake up one morning and decide that even though I feel my ear infection coming back I am going to soldier through it and fight back. I quickly Google acupuncture and find a place about 1/2 hour from my house. Not so convenient, but she’s willing to see me on short notice. I print out my health history form off of her website and her other consent and legal forms. I filled them out and was on my way to becoming this persons very own pincushion. I arrive at her office and she looks nothing like what I expected. She is an older woman [meaning about 20 years older than me]. The white of her left eye is completely blood red which causes me to gasp slightly. I’m hoping she doesn’t catch this and assumes I have a breathing disorder or had a miniature anxiety attack. I wait until she finishes with her previous patient and she calls me back into her room. Having never done this type of thing before I am a little nervous and excited at the same time. My dream is that she holds the cure to what ails me. She looks over my medical history and asks me the usual questions and discusses my “womanly flow”, asks me to stick out my tongue, takes my pulse and gives me her assessment. Bottom line – my blood is too thin and I lose too much water. I’m not sure how she figured the blood thing, but the water loss was a given. I am perimenopausal and have hot flashes, night sweats and also take Hot Yoga for fun—DUH!!!! She looked me in the eye and told me I was too young to be experiencing these menopausal symptoms and I told her “Great, can you tell my body that? ‘Cause it’s getting hot in here!!!!” She didn’t find me humorous, thus the downward turn in her lips. I take a deep breath and let her continue with her diagnosis. At this point I am willing to do just about anything to feel better and to stop having an allergic reaction to my surroundings. She then asks me what I am taking for my thyroid condition. I told her the name and dose of the medicine and she smiles and says “Have you ever had seaweed?” I say, “Yes, I think so.” She said seaweed does wonderful things for the body. It is a good thyroid regulator. It knows if you have to much or too little and regulates your thyroid for you. She then proceeds to tell me to stop taking my medicine and that drugs are basically “no good”. Great! I’m too hot and now I’m over medicating when really I should be grazing the bottom of the ocean with my mouth open waiting for a good piece of seaweed. And I thought I was coming to this place to get stuck with a bunch of needles. I didn’t know they beat you into submission first. She moves on to tell me that my blood is too thin and we need to thicken it up. She tells me to eat RED MEAT. I told her I don’t eat red meat, so she recommended I O.D. on fish. Here’s where the tongue thing comes into play. She asks me to stick out my tongue 3 separate times and draws a little sketch of it on her paper. She tells me that because the veins on the back of my tongue stick out and are bright blue my circulation is poor and I have thin blood.

We move onto the MAIN EVENT where she sticks me with approximately 40 needles. She tells me that she doesn’t usually use this many, but that I need a lot of help. She pokes me repeatedly telling me that this should increase the amount of CHI I have. I’m not even sure what CHI is but you must have to be in pain to attain it because those needles weren’t going in too easily. She asked me to roll my pants up, but I couldn’t so I have to remove them. So there I am on the table with a tank top, undies and my low-CHI crossing my fingers that this will be worth it. I have a total of 3 needles on my actual face. Well, more like 2 1/2 because she tries multiple times to place the 3rd one and it won’t go in. I’m thinking to myself, does she know what she’s doing or is she really just using me as her pincushion? She gives up and decides that one will have to wait until next time. She then leaves me to my 40+ needles in a silent room with no lights except the heat lamp over my belly. When she returns and removes the needles I am relieved and saddened at the same time. I feel no different, just a little tattered and torn from all the poking. I am bleeding in several places and I become paranoid. She tells me its normal, especially for someone with “your kind of blood”.

She asks me if I feel less bloated since the treatment. I answer honestly saying “no.” She looks disappointed. She tells me to deal with any tummy issues or constipation that I need to clasp both my hands across my lower abdomen and rub in a clockwise motion 24 times – 3 times a day. It must be that 24th time that makes a difference—RANDOM!

Well, suffice it to say I may try acupuncture again, but I don’t think I will be going back there anytime soon. The entire process took a little over 2 hours and she wanted me to come twice a week at $50 a visit and she doesn’t take insurance. I don’t have that kind of time or that kind of money. This pincushion diva is taking her green somewhere else.

Conversations with a Teenager

sisterplease — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:17:30 +0000

Teenager: Hey mom, I uploaded my English paper from my laptop to the server. Can you print it for me?
Me: No problem, sweetie.
I proceed to read it before printing, being obsessed with the art of writing and also interested to read what my daughter has written. I found grammatical errors, spelling errors and incomplete thoughts. So I say, “come here for a second”
Teenager: Yeah, mom?!?
Me: I was proofing this and found a couple of errors.
Teenager: Are you like totally changing my paper?
Me: No. Just thought I would let you know that there were some errors so you could change them.
Teenager: Yeah, sure.
I walk her through the paper and point out possible corrections. And some of her responses were “what’s wrong with that sentence?”, “It sounds complete to me!”, “It’s good enough” etc…
Me: What’s your grade in this class?
Teenager: A+
Me: Oh yeah, that’s right. She really likes you!
Teenager: And I do, like every single extra credit project.
Me: That’s great, but learning how to write is really important, especially in college
Teenager: Okay
Me: You kind of write how you talk.
Teenager: I know. I suck at writing.
Me: I think that’s the problem with your generation. To much texting, not enough writing. You are used to typing in short hand and using slang and emoticons.
Teenager: Yeah, but who is raising this generation?
[read: your the idiot here mom and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT]

BTW I just <3 havin’ meaningful conversations with my teenager LOL

Twilight – New Moon

sisterplease — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:45:56 +0000

I have to admit, until this weekend, I knew nothing about the Twilight saga. I knew it involved Vampires and had seen articles in magazines about the stars playing those parts. Beyond this brief encounter with anything to do with Twilight, I was completely oblivious to the mass swooning of the American Teenage girl that was transpiring. How had I become so oblivious to the world around me? I mean, it’s only been 27 years since my heart was taken captive by THE Ricky Schroeder of Silver Spoons fame. When my daughters told me that they wanted to go to the opening day of the latest Twilight movie I said “sure.” The girls, their friends and another gracious mother went early to save our spot in line. I showed up shortly before the theatre began to fill. The vampire excitement was palpable upon entering the theatre lobby. There were bodies stacked for miles [or merely 100 yards - but it seemed like more]. The air was sticky with the exhalation of frantic teenage breath. Hearts were racing! Cheeks were flushed! Butterflies had filled the tummies of the masses. I made a pit stop at the concession stand to get popcorn for the young’uns. Meanwhile, the theatre began to fill. I held tight to the large tub of popcorn, hoping not to be trampled by the blood sucking fans. As I turned the corner, drawing ever closer to my saved seat, out of nowhere comes this teen fan who came within millimeters of crushing the holy corn. Luckily, my loud exclamation [read: scream] scared her back to reality and she resumed a normal pace in her efforts to empty her bladder before the almighty movie began.

Having no prior knowledge of the books, I had no expectation of the movie. My final impression: very entertaining. The lead female Bella was out of breath, heaving, crying, screaming or biting on her lip the entire movie. Not once did a smile come across her face. Beyond the vampire and werewolf themes and characters, it was, in essence an opportunity for young men to take off their shirts and parade their 6-pack abs for all to see. Their efforts were not lost on any of the young females who showed their appreciation audibly for all to hear. It was hard not to get carried away in the excitement and I may have yelled “take off your shirt” to one Taylor Lautner. By the way, he was so much hotter after cutting his hair. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing my eldest daughter ooh and ah over each shirtless wonder. Don’t worry about me. I survived the night just fine. I’m just jealous I didn’t write the book first.

My True Color

sisterplease — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:47:21 +0000

Day 62 of My Captivity

sisterplease — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:35:28 +0000

Day 61 of My Captivity

sisterplease — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:33:59 +0000