I love a good party, just as much as the next gal…but this is taking it a tad far. Chicken pox is a somewhat common occurrence and it wasn’t until the 90’s that we had a vaccination for it. In the good old days kids got the pox and dealt with it. We wanted to scratch and sometimes we did and we have the scars to prove it. Well, now they have a vaccine and children everywhere are spared the embarrassment and inconvenience that only a good case of the chicken pox can provide. You don’t want to get this disease when you are older, because it can be very harmful and sometimes even deadly. Somewhere in suburbia a group of mothers decided that it was better to get the disease and be immune for life, rather than vaccinate and take a chance on getting a mild case in later years. There solution? Hold a chicken pox party. Johnny has the pox? Send him over! Invite your friends! Everyone will be infected before you know it! That’s one evite I would have to ignore.
Gonna have to face it—your addicted to technology! May 7, 2009
Since when have we lost all ability to control our actions? Are we so weak that the mere glimpse of a computer screen renders us helpless to its charm? Can we go even 1 hour without technology interrupting our thought processes? What have you done today to move one more step toward technology addiction?
Here are some signs that you may have a problem:
[1] You are at home. You are upstairs and your spouse is downstairs. You decide to text them instead of hollering over the banister when you need to tell them something.
[2] You find out you are expecting a child. You log onto Twitter to alert your “followers” before calling your family.
[3] Your battery in your cell phone dies and you actually start crying b/c your charger is nowhere in sight.
[4] You take the day off of work to attend a MLB game and update your status on FB at the top of every inning.
[5] You suffer from delusions of grandeur when contemplating whether you can take on Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.
[6] You can now text without even looking at the phone.
[7] You have disowned or are temporarily ignoring family members who haven’t joined FB.
[8] Google is your main source of information for EVERYTHING.
[9] You justify the hours you spend on your computer as “work”, when really you are pimping your FB page.
[10] You can’t remember the last real conversation you had, that did not involve emoticons, status updates and tagged photos.
The problem is that everything we do now always comes back to the computer. We receive communication from friends, family, co-workers and our children’s teachers and coaches via email. We join organizations, sign up for little league and donate to our church via the internet. We don’t have time to go to the mall so we window shop online and order there too.
Technology will most likely play a key role in our daily lives from here on out, but it doesn’t have to rule us. So if you find yourself being drawn into the abyss that is the internet—set a time limit, take a break and most importantly find someone you love and have a face-to-face good ol’ fashioned conversation, no keyboard necessary.
It was the THUD heard round the world January 10, 2009
I’d like to think I’m pretty steady on my feet. My feet have supplied me with great balance for 30+ years and I have come to rely on them. They have, however, become wider and flatter since having kids, thus the custom orthotic inserts. Add to that my complete fear of falling, fear of heights and anything more exciting then stepping off a curb and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Occasionally, I will be shopping in a mall and walk past a railing on the 2nd floor. I suddenly see myself being thrown over the railing and falling to my death or at least severe injury. Some of you may read that and think, Okay FREAK! Well, I admittedly call myself a freak, but I’m a safety freak not a run-of-the-mill lock your doors and hide your valuables FREAK. You may look at a situation and see fun, excitement or exhilaration. I see impending danger and accidental dismemberment. I’m not exactly sure what all contributed to my safety freakishness but I did suffer from extreme trauma as a child. My dad took me on the JUDGE ROY SCREAM rollercoaster after I begged him not to make me. I had snot and tears dripping from my face, I was practically hyperventilating and he still took me. I never quite recoverd from that fearful experience and it took me 20 years before I would even consider riding another rollercoaster. I have relaxed over the years and having 3 kids definitely helps because you can’t control everything all the time. I do remind them of the simple pleasures of life, like wearing a helmet while riding your bike, looking both ways before crossing the street and the most important—don’t share hair brushes or hats or I will shave your hair off if you come home with lice!
Now we’ve come to the meat of the story where all the “safety first” tips in the world wouldn’t have saved me from my impending doom. I was at my son’s basketball clinic where for almost 2 hours around 30 boys run wild and practice a variety of basketball skills. By the way, they’re 7, so you can imagine the amount of energy bouncing around the room. The facility is huge and they have an upstairs area for the parents to sit and watch their children and/or socialize with the other parents. The seats are screwed into the ground and set up on about a 4 inch platform to make it easier to see over the railing. On the railing in front of every other seat there are signs that say “Watch your step. There is a small step behind you” I looked up and down the row of seats and took notice of the vast quantity of signs asking us to watch our step. As if we were the clumsiest set of people know to walk the face of the earth. I laughed out loud and thought, wow they must think we are all just going to simultaneously fall off this tiny 4 inch step and break something. As they say [and I happen to agree], everything happens for a reason. So somewhere out there God was trying to tell me, “Hey! You! Read the sign! Pay attention! It could happen to you!” I stood up near the end of the training session, thinking I would grab a quick snack from the vending machine for my son and then we’d be on our way. I reached into my purse and grabbed my wallet and turned without thinking of the 4 inch drop I would be encountering. The next thing I knew I was doing a face plant on the ground with my legs splayed in opposite directions and my dignity laying there on the floor completely spent. It was a hard fall, not a slip. It was a complete collapsing of my limbs not a simple trip. It was without a doubt, THE THUD HEARD ROUND THE WOLRD! I stood up completely stunned and embarrassed and did the walk of shame all the way to the vending machine. Let this be a lesson to all of you—READ THE SIGNS and FOLLOW THEM!
I’m Drinking the Kool-Aid November 24, 2008
Yes, you heard me right. I’m drinking the Kool-Aid and have finally joined the Cult that is FACEBOOK! I was asked by a friend to check out her profile and I was quickly drawn in by all the familiar faces. That’s how it starts right? You read someones bio and ask them to be your friend and suddenly you are surrounded by another dozen people you knew at some point in your life. My husband has been a member for some time and I blew it off by saying, “Nah, I don’t need to do that” or “Why would I do that”? Well, now I’m officially addicted and I want to add pictures to my wall and bling and adopt a pet. It’s my own virtual world that I can create and decorate just for me. I’ve lived in my current house for 6 years and still haven’t fully decorated my master bedroom and certainly can’t start now because I have way to much to do on my Facebook page. I’m sure the newness will wear off at some point, but right now I am having a blast reading about my friends lives, seeing their spouses/significant others in pictures, adoring their kids’ pics and of course browsing through their friends to see if I know any of them. It’s a never ending cycle. I’m a competitive person by nature and felt the need to talk trash to my darling husband regarding his friend count. I’m not sure if I have surpassed him yet, but it doesn’t matter because I am having a blast, tripping down memory lane! The flip side of this is, of course, you are setting yourself up for rejection all over again. As if jr. high and HS weren’t enough you put yourself out there every time you request someone to be your friend. You add a personal message, hesitate about what exactly you want to say, close your eyes and press SEND. You may wait days or even weeks depending how long they take to respond to your request. After your reach a certain point [10 or more days] you give up, wondering if they just pressed ignore and hoped you’d go away. I’m still waiting on several responses, so we’ll see what happens. Until then, CHEERS, ’cause this Kool-Aid is G-O-O-D!
Allergies 101 November 2, 2008
I developed allergies in my late 20’s, to typical things like dust and pet dander. I had a mild allergy to cats in college, but only found out when faced with a friends cat collection. I ended up leaving her house looking like Rocky after a fight. My allergies were always something I could easily handle with an over the counter remedy. Things are much different now. I live in the Great Northwest. It’s a really beautiful area unless you have allergies to some of their favorite things, like Evergreen trees. I had lots of headaches, my ears popped all the time and of course the lovely drippy nose. I finally decided to take serious action and move beyond the typical remedy, allergy pill and nose spray. I decided to get weekly injections of what I was allergic to, in order to become immune. I know, it sounds crazy. They say it works wonders. The only catch, it may take up to 3 years to take affect. I made an appointment first to see what I was allergic to and waited a week or so for my results. It turns out, I am allergic to the state of Washington. Every tree, grass, mold and weed, plus dogs and cats. That’s discouraging. So I have been getting weekly shots for about a year now. I have noticed a slight difference. I have less headaches, but still the dripping nose and popping ears. Week after week I have endured being shot in each tricep with a witch’s brew of my allergens. There is some consolation after each visit when I am allowed to pick from the sticker or candy basket to ease my pain. I typically get a knot anywhere from the size of a grape to a small plum. It gets hot and sometimes stays hot for more than a day. OUCH! I guess after having kids, it puts my pain in perspective. It could be worse, right? There are certain rules you have to follow when you go to the allergy center. Absolutely, no perfumes or scented lotions. When I first started going, I forgot about the smell-good stuff and went fully lathered in warm vanilla sugar body butter. I was reprimanded for my glorious smell and told “please don’t wear lotions or perfumes to our office again”. I was slightly embarrassed and never forgot again. Well, there was that one time when I showered on shot day. I got out and, not thinking about what day it was, sprayed my body spray and spread my body butter all over. I was so afraid of getting in trouble again, at the shot center, that I showered again. I have never been that well exfoliated in my life. In addition to no smell goods on shot day, you would think that no pets allowed would be a given. Well, I guess no one told the man I saw this week. I walked in, signed in for my shot and took a seat. Seated several seats away from me on a love seat was a man. He was probably late 60’s early 70’s. He had a stroller in front of him with a canopy over it. I assumed there was probably a grandchild inside and he was being a dutiful grandfather. Upon closer inspection there was a D-O-G in the stroller. That’s right a DOG! I was infuriated, because if he could bring his dog, surely I could spray a little body spray on, right? I told the ladies in the back, when I went for my shot, but I guess I overreacted. They weren’t phased by the presence of a dog, I guess he doesn’t use body spray.
Yield for Pedestrians…PLEASE!! September 2, 2008
How many times have you been trying to cross the street only to jump back quickly to avoid being hit. I am so tired of dodging cars everywhere I go. It’s as if they are involved in some sort of imagined street race and we are the competition. Or possibly, they get points for each pedestrian they scare/almost hit. Regardless of their intention, these crazy drivers need to wake up and smell the horizontal white striping.
Just today I took my kids to the drug store to pick out some colorful polish for the first day of school. We had plenty of time and space to cross the parking lot to get to the store. Meanwhile a clueless driver, who was at a distance, actually picked up speed in an attempt to seemingly hit us. Without thinking I called the driver a name and quickly apologized to my kids. It seems that I tend to talk like a sailor in open sea when my life is put in harm’s way.
Gone are the days when I would cross the street while pregnant and cars would stop miles in advance and look at me adoringly. So, unless you have a bun in the oven, you may want to look both ways and then double-check yourself before crossing the street. Evidently humans are the new road-kill!
Richie Rich — Wannabe June 22, 2008
How many times have you heard–sign here and you will be RICH! This product sells itself. You’ll be making 1000’s of dollars a month in no time. Well, the truth of the matter is items don’t sell themselves. There is no way to get rich quick. Last week when I was at Costco getting the usual household items and bulk food, I was reminded of how annoying it is to be bombarded by commercials, print ads, emails and people telling me how I can make big money with XYZ [fill in the blank] product. I actually laughed out loud at this one. I was leaving Costco and at the edge of the parking lot was a circa 1980 something mini van with a large magnetic sign on the side. It said “Make Money Now – Ask Me How”. Seriously? I have nothing against driving older vehicles because I myself drive a 1997 [PAID FOR] Expedition, but seriously! This van was dented, rusting and all but decaying before my very eyes. The last thing I would look to this person for was how to make money. So for all of you out there who are looking for that next get rich quick scheme—remember that hard work and good money management skills go a long way. Whether you make $5 an hour or $50 an hour – get a REAL job and start saving!
Why I don’t have more frequent flier miles June 4, 2008
I’m not much of a world traveler. It’s a big week when I go to Costco and Target on the same day. On occasion it becomes necessary to take a flight on an airplane, seated with strangers. I find the whole experience quite comical. Hundreds of people loading onto a steel capsule agreeing to breathe the same recirculated air, share the same few toilets, cough, sneeze and possibly pass gas in close quarters. It’s a lot like getting a couple hundred potluck roommates [like back in college] and being forced to spend good quality time with each other. On a more recent flight as I was loading the plane ready to relax and possibly spread out [on the off chance that there was a vacant seat next to me] my anxiety grew as I neared my seat. There were two large men soon to be seated on either side of me. Before sitting down, I took one last deep breath of air that I too would be sharing with my new seat mates. On one side sat a well dressed businessman on the other side sat a man who had an obvious affection for leather. Not because of the way he was dressed but his skin was somewhere between original recipe and crispy. His elbows were extremely rough and he was in the need of a full body exfoliation [minimum]. I’m usually fairly comfortable on an airplane but when stuck between two good sized men, my arms had no where to go. My arms were also exposed due to my short sleeve shirt and I was fearful of rubbing elbows with the alligator man. I could have leaned more toward the business man, but that might have seemed a bit flirtatious. For four long hours I was tormented by the lack of space, the scaly skin and the ever-growing need to use the restroom. At one point alligator man drifted into a deep sleep. And by deep I mean snoring, drooling and full on relaxed. the more relaxed he became, the more he snuggled. The more he snuggled the more anxious I became. During his moments of awake time he attempted what seemed to be his form of perverted old man flirting. The flight attendant saved the day. The rustling of the snack packs and scooping of the ice startled him and he awoke to a miller lite and pretzels. Lucky him. I on the other hand continued to sit in my seat with a self-imposed hug, awaiting the end of the flight. At one point the turbulence became so bad that I rocked back and forth ricocheting from one side to the other, becoming more nauseous with each movement. A man across the aisle began verbally assaulting the pilot with a few expletives thrown in for good measure. Apparently, he didn’t care for the turbulence either. Turns out he had recently been released from a short stint in prison. Don’t ask me how I know. Another case of a fly-by over-share. We landed safely following our bouncy decent. I leaped off the plane like I had just been delivered into the Promised Land. Once again I realized why I don’t have more frequent flier miles.
Filter This! June 4, 2008
We filter many things. We filter our water, our air even our cigarettes. So why can’t some of us filter our mouths. Some people say exactly what’s on their mind. I’m all about honesty, but some things need to be filtered. When I go to the drugstore to pick up some feminine necessities I don’t point out the fact that my cashier is growing a mustache and possibly a beard. Oh yea, and SHE’S A WOMAN!!! I filter. When I’m out of town for a swim meet and make a Slurpee run, I don’t point out the fact, that the lady behind the counter is missing 4 of her front teeth. [and the rest are black] I filter. Why is it, that some people choose not to filter? Years ago, I went for Chinese food directly from the gym. I was a little grimy, sweaty and not my usual polished self. I walk in, place my order and proceed to write a check. [This is before debit cards were all the rage] She asks to see some id and I oblige her. Then before her filter can kick in, she says to me “You look much better in picture, than you do in person”. So I responded like any good FILTERED person would I and said “Thank you, I think”?!?!
Chick Lit – Stalker Style Part 2 May 25, 2008
I’m so excited to tell you all about my visit with THE JEN LANCASTER. It was actually more like a book signing- less like a sit down visit with food and beverage. My husband came home early from work to watch the kiddos so that I could get to the Such a Pretty Fat book signing. I had never been to this particular bookstore before so pretending to be the Girl Scout [that I never was] I prepared myself with snack, bottled water and the all important MAPQUEST directions. I was on the phone with my sister while driving there. I was sure that I had passed it, knowing that I hadn’t even entered the correct city yet. It always stresses me out to go somewhere new when I am in a time crunch. I almost passed it up but in true JEN style I cut off 3 lanes of traffic and squealed into the parking lot just in time. Once inside I assessed the situation to see how long I had to browse the bookstore before settling into a cozy [hard, cold, metal] chair. I purchased my book for her to sign and I sat down next to a group of rowdies. They had brought wine in colored water bottles [very clever, indeed]. How do I know it was wine? Well, they were passing it around like it was holy water and I have a nose like a DOG! I was surrounded by shiny, happy people [a la R.E.M.]. I opened my book to get a sampling of what was to come and got about 3 pages in and the event started. Jessica [one of the bookstore employees] walked out on stage to introduce JEN and then it was time for her reading. I’m not sure what part of the book she was reading from, but it was so funny – laugh out loud funny. It added so much to the words to hear them actually come from her mouth. I loved every minute. She also did question and answer time. She is obviously a gifted and talented writer, and is just as quick-witted and humorous in person. The book store was set up in such a way that the reading/question and answer time was on one side and we had to walk to the other side for the actual book signing. As we were walking towards the signing area, she was walking right next to me – not more than a foot away from me. Let me just say that I too am normally fairly quick-witted and humorous and all I could come up with to say was “wow, I’m standing really close to you!” How embarrassing!!! Luckily, she just laughed it off. I must have been having a low blood sugar moment. After walking clear across the store, I realized I had forgotten my camera, so I ran out to my car. I had to have my picture taken with her!!! When I came back, I was in the very back of the line. I was not in a hurry, so I thought I may as well enjoy myself. I never meet a stranger so I was happy to get to know my fellow Jen-fans. I got to know two gals named Darci and Amy. They both each have one daughter and we were instantly able to bond over our love of all things Jen and had a lot in common since we were all moms. Darci indulged me while I asked her 101 questions about her work, life etc… Also, we both have a love of Louis Vuitton. Amy gave us the scoop on having a new child and all that entailed [little sleep, crying and lots of breastfeeding]. We were absolutely giddy by the time we reached the head of the line. We each had our picture taken with Jen and she signed our books. I gave her my gift [monogrammed duffel and towels] so she could be chic and stylish at the gym. It was a great experience! We never got to meet one-on-one for a cup of coffee but I will cherish my photo with her—FOREVER!
