Oh, the lovable, impossible, outrageous, infuriating, cruel class at the gym, you guessed it…SPIN! It’s the class you love to hate. The class that will push you to the brink, push you off and then watch you almost drowned. Then, it reluctantly pulls you out of the water, resuscitates you and tells you to keep spinning and RELAX. You would probably think I hate this class, the way I’m describing it to you. The truth is, I love the challenge. I love that I get calluses on my elbows from leaning on the handlebars, my eyes sting from the sweat engulfing them, my spandex is drenched from the profuse sweating of every square inch of my body and as if that weren’t enough, my hoo-hoo on occasion will go numb. That’s when you perform the “hoo-hoo hover” maneuver where you rise from the seat to give yourself some relief from the pressure building below the equator. You get out of this class, what you put into it. You can fake it and get by with a so-so work out, but if you let out your inner Lance Armstrong you are in for the ride of your life. Your heart will beat faster than it’s ever beat before. There are no oxygen masks that will drop from the ceiling, although your instructor may tease you accordingly, just to be cruel. If you want to burn some serious calories and get your tush in shape, then head to the class that will spin you right round – like a record BABY!
I’ll Be Smelling You May 5, 2008
Every breath you take, And every stink you make, Every gas you break, every step you take, I’ll be smelling you.
–The Police [Sister,Please! translation]
I like music. Music inspires me. When I’m happy I sing. When I’m sad I sing. When I’m stuck at the gym between the “gas man” and “B.O. Girl”, I sing then too. I just change the lyrics to popular songs to fit my situation. I have mentioned before that I am a gym enthusiast. Is it too much to ask that people shower and smell nice at the gym? You don’t have to smell like roses or pour on the cologne. Just don’t stand next to me on the elliptical having forgotten to bathe sometime in the last week or so. I’ve been trapped more than once by B.O. Girl. She works out at the gym with B.O. Boy. I guess they are both immune to their own stank. There’s another lovely fellow at the gym who on more than one occasion has passed gas next to me. I don’t know if I’m attracting the smelly type or if I’m just a little sensitive. Either way it stinks…literally. My sense of smell has been heightened since having kids-unfortunately. One day, innocently enough, I was on the elliptical and in the groove. On one side B.O. girl comes for a visit, on the other it’s gas man. What’s a girl to do. Then comes decision time–do I look for another machine–or do I wait it out hoping that today will be different. Life’s too short, I hear the treadmill calling–smell you later.
Speaking of Meat Heads… February 12, 2008
Is it just me, or are they completely annoying? You know the type: tons of muscle – obsessed with the bulk-must show everyone how muscular I am. So not only do they prance around in their tank tops baring all, but they have to practice their poses in between sets. It’s enough that their grunting and moaning while lifting, but then I have to see them pose?!?! They stare longingly into the mirror (into their own eyes) and flex like there is no tomorrow. I have witnessed them talking to themselves too. I can never quite hear what they are saying but here is how I imagine the conversation going—”Do you feel the burn? I feel the burn! Are your guns pumped? Oh yeah, they’re pumped! Do you want to show them to the world? Oh yes I do! Ready? Set! Flex!!!! Oh, they are nice, oh so nice. Is anyone looking? Of course they are looking. Look at me. I AM THE MAN. Whew…ok, next set…and then I get to have this conversation all over again [with myself and that hot guy in the mirror...oh yeah, that's me too]
They are pretty into themselves and who can blame them, right?!?! Who doesn’t love a muscle bound man with a spray tan/fake bake that can make his pecs do the Macarena?
Girl—Work it out! February 6, 2008
I could be considered a gym addict, although I prefer the term “enthusiast”. It’s not the type of addiction that would necessarily be classified as BAD. You might think “How could loving the gym be bad?” Well, you haven’t been to my gym. Most people I’ve observed can be classified as the following:
Enthusiasts [like me]–love working out, feeling good, health-conscious without being obsessive (mostly).
Meatheads–Guys who lift heavy weight, fake bake or spray tan and wear barely there tanks
The Casual Gym Goer–Workout enough to maintain a moderately healthy lifestyle, but don’t make any drastic changes physically or otherwise.
“On the Market” crowd–Naturally thin (or muscular), workout to keep up appearances and treat the gym as their own personal version of The Bachelorette (The Bachelor)
The Dedicated Group–Enjoy the gym regularly, but don’t stress if they have to miss [get in, get out, no worries]
And Last but certainly not least…
The complete 100% addicted, obsessed and consumed–enough is never enough, every minute of every day is an opportunity to move and consequently burn a calorie. I don’t mean to poke fun [yes I do], but listen up cardio queen…3 hours a day is too much! I repeat, too much. Eat a burger-feel the bloat-ENJOY!
