As you can see from my recent posts, I have become quite obsessed with my BM’s or lack thereof. After my test that showed slow motility, the doctor wanted to rule out anything horrible and ordered a CT. I have never had one, but knew I would be drinking something disgusting in order for them to see my insides more clearly. I went to the radiology department and picked up not one, but two bottles of the liquid that resembled curdled milk and was vanilla flavored. The following morning I woke up and turned on the TV in order to distract myself from the impending consumption of total yuckiness. I swallowed the entire contents of bottle 1 in about 10 minutes. I had to wait another hour for bottle 2. By the way, the radiology receptionist warned me the day before that the drinks could cause explosive diarrhea. That’s all I could think of the entire time I was gulping them down, trying to hold my breath and keep from gagging repeatedly. I drove to the hospital and drank the 2nd bottle in the parking lot. I promptly wiped my mouth, put on my lip gloss and grabbed some chewing gum. I kept hearing the words “explosive diarrhea” in my head while I waited to check in at the hospital, sat in the waiting room in radiology and while changing out of my clothes into my lovely generic hospital gown. I came prepared. I put on the biggest maxi-pad I could find [just in case I didn't make it the porcelain receptacle] and mentally mapped the location of every bathroom I passed from the entrance to the hospital all the way to the CT scanning room.
Once I was resting comfortably on the CT table, the lovely techs prepared me for what would happen. They placed a wedge underneath my legs, and once in place I promptly asked “Am I here for a CT or a pelvic exam” Once I was completely contorted so they could get a good view of my bowels with the scanner, I would be receiving an IV in my right arm. This is where they would inject the iodine. The injection would enter my veins and give me a “hot flash” feeling and possibly an “oops, I wet my pants” feeling. Both of these feelings came to pass. I did indeed feel the wave of heat crossover my body and felt fortunate that I was a packing a super-sized maxi pad when I felt like I wet myself. Luckily, that was just a feeling and it didn’t actually happen. Afterwards, I returned to my dressing room, donned my clothes and was on my merry way. It would be approximately a week before I received my results. I was wrong in assuming that they would be calling me with the results. I returned from a Friday night out with the family and checked the mail only to find a letter stating [and I quote] ” CAT scan of your bowels is normal. There is a benign liver lesion that needs a follow up ultrasound in 3 months to confirm”. My question was, to confirm what? The fact that it was a benign liver lesion or that it was something else? The actual test document had a bunch of medical jargon that they translated into layman’s terms so that they could be understood. That same document also stated that my colon was FOS. I know what your thinking…but Igoogled it and it’s medical slang for “full of stool”…not what you were thinking.
This was shocking! Not that I was full of stool, but that now I not only had a motility issue, but that I was sporting a tumor roughly 1 inch by 1/2 an inch. I like to accessorize as much as the next gal, but this was taking it a bit far. So I found this out on a Friday but couldn’t reach the doctor until the following Tuesday. I was not to happy about that. In the meantime, I spent hours googling “hemangioma” and reading what could cause them, what the implications were and what I could do to rid myself of this THING. Even though they gave this tumor a name and said it was benign they aren’t 100% sure, thus the follow up sonogram.
Meanwhile back at slow motility land I wanted to solve the big mystery of why I was so slow. So I asked for the help of my local naturopath who specializes in IBS. For those of you who don’t know what IBS is, its what they call any bowel issue that they can’t otherwise categorize. I won’t bore you with the details of our 1 hour office visit, but it was encouraging to talk to someone who cared and also wanted to solve the mystery. Almost $900 later I exited the dr’s office to get my blood drawn [food allergy panel] and was given a take home test. This take home test was like any other I have had. It was basically a poo test.
Here’s how it works:
You put on your rubber gloves. Take the french fry paper dish in hand, squat and fill. Once the tray is filled with the specimen, you take out three vials containing toxic fluids. You remove each lid and collect the sample. Each lid has a “pooper scooper” on the end to make the collection more user-friendly. Once you have put the sample in the container you secure the lid in place and shake it for 30 seconds. You are free to put the remaining sample matter down the toilet and dispose of the french fry tray [that's just my silly nickname for it.] After securing the poo in the vials you place them in a biohazard bag, fill out the test form and promptly refrigerate your poo until the FedEx man comes to pick it up the following day. That was a fun appointment to make. When the FedEx customer service person asked me how much my package weighed I almost lost it on the phone. I just told her under a pound [insert giggles here].
Well, this should be about it on the poo talk, unless my test results come back and there is something interesting to share. As for my liver tumor…my sonogram isn’t for a month or so. I am optimistic, that it is indeed benign, because all other tests are normal. Like I always say, everything works out in the end!
